just googled dad's name in google and there was a picture of him. surprised by that. i think i now know why he killed himself like he did. he was lonely. he was old. he had started to lose his mind. i of course didn't see any of this as i was too wrapped up in my non-problems and basically let him disintegrate like he did. and he went out with a bang. had helicopetrs and all look for him. i know if he had taken better care of me as a kid, i would have treated him better and with more respect. but he didn't and i didn't.
but i can't help but feel guilty as hell. the last night i saw him alive will be seared in my brain, in a moment of lucidity, he kissed my arm as i laid him into bed, and thanked me. i should have stayed home that night. he would not be dead now and i would not want to hurl myself under each and every truck and train i see now.
how will i ever come out of this pit i am in. i have no friends that i can talk too. talking to therapists is a waste of time. blogging is my only outlet left.
well, you can go into schizo mode.
so tell me kiddo, what's wrong.
well, i am totally lost and i don't even know where to look how to get out.
look, you're a big boy, you can figure it out easyily. i'll give you a hand. no worries. so tell me.
well, i don't know what to do with myself. i have enough money to live on for a while without working.
so that is not a problem then.
well, no.
so what is the problem.
the problem is that i can't stand to be alone anymore, and i cant stand to be with people anymore.
oh, i see. that maybe a little difficult to overcome.
what about getting a job, like your old spa jobs, where you are with people but they are not in your personal space. would that work? it would mean having to get a job, at least part-time. you know, get you out of the house and give you something to do other than the crap you are doing now.
yes it's a solution but you know as well as i do that you don't like doing work like that.
then fucking what for christ's sake? you don't want to work in an offce anymore, you don't want to do spas, what the hell do you want cos i cant' help you if you don't give me some kind of clue.
there, crux of the problem. don't know what i want.
ok, fine. until you figure it out, try and stay of crack. when you have a better idea, we can talk again. meanwhile, keep busy. swim, movie, diy round the house and start impossible projects and occupy yourself and your mind.
go tomorrow to the esate agents and figure out if it's rentable and waht you have to do to rent it out. then based on waht they say, it's will be the next step.
try and keep out of saunas. they are a waste of money really. and forget about bars too. you are not in the right frame of mind ot meet anyone. just leave it.
